Playing Favorites

Most parents say they like their children equally, and they may even believe that.

But new research shows that most do have a favorite and often show subtle preferences.

“Most parents probably connect more easily with one child over another, whether that be due to personality, birth order, gender, or other things like shared interests,” lead author Alex Jensen said in a statement.

Jensen and his colleagues examined data from more than 19,000 individuals and combined their findings with a wide spectrum of peer-reviewed journal articles and unpublished dissertations to explain where parental biases come from, and how they can influence children throughout their lives.

The researchers analyzed “parental differential treatment,” which they described as the ways parents treat each child differently.

They sub-categorized this treatment into “differential affection, differential conflict, differential resources” – how much time a parent spends with their child or gifts given to that child – as well as “differential autonomy or freedom” – how much leeway one gives their kids, for example, explained Jensen in an interview with the HuffPost.

Parents are generally more lenient with younger children while granting firstborns more freedom and autonomy as they grow, becoming less controlling over them in adulthood.

The findings also showed that both mothers and fathers admit to slightly favoring daughters more than sons, even if children don’t usually notice. Jensen believes that this may stem from the stereotype that girls are “easier to parent” than boys, suggesting that playing favorites is not always a conscious choice.

Yet, personality is the one card that trumps all: Regardless of gender and birth order, parents will likely favor children who are agreeable, responsible, and organized.

Meanwhile, previous research found that children who perceived themselves as the least favorite child are more likely to develop mental health problems, substance abuse, and disruptive tendencies at home and school.

Favoritism also risks straining sibling bonds – children who feel less favored may be resentful of their siblings.

“Your children will let you know if they think something is unfair. Pay attention,” Jensen said.